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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]
2022-01-26 00:23:33
Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey
# of watchers: 286
Fans: 56
D20: 11
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<img250*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdiner.png>
(Formerly Chuck's)


Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.


a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]
.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,
ain't no place finer!
The food is good,
we're always in tha 'hood,
and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

<img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/o.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/s.gif> <img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/d.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/i.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/n.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/e.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/r.gif>


As seen in [iippo]'s diary!
This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee
and the [pixish] art committee



<img:http://elftown.eu/stuff/aj/44884/1414522632.png>
by [Teufelsweib]
<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Menu:
Show content


<img:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinersml.png>

|Da menyou|


<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'
 

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Breakfast


1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50
2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20
3. Hash Browns $1.00
4. Hash Greens $1.00
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00
6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50
7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50
8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25
9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)
10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Lunch



1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19
2. hamburger & fries $4.00
3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24
4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00
6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99
7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82
8. La Ham and cheese $2.30
9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour
10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour
11. sirloin $6.00
12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00
13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99
14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00
15. fried Alley Gator $5.00
16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50
17. Poo Stew $2.25
18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50
19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25
20. Roasted n00b $4.00
21. Bloody Rock $1.50
22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75
23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50
24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12
25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50
26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00
27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00
28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50
29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!
30.
31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75
32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25
33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00
34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00
35. Ground beef Carl $3.25
36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99
37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..
38. viagra pill $300
39. gobbler....?
40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00
41. hootchie cootchie $2.00
42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00
43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90
44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50
45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)
47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5
48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99
49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!
50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!
51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Appetizers


1. half a cracker $1,000,000
2. Bloody Rock $1.50
3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00
4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))
5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25
6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50
7. Cooked Sushi $4.50
8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01
9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))
10. Bowl of tears $.50
11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50
12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50
13. Corn on the toes $1.50
14. cooked sushi $2.00
15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER
16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy
17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1
17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])
19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]
20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00
21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)
22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.
23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.
24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Dinner


1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10
2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....
3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75
4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone
5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50
6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...
7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.
8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)
9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00
10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0
11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)
12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00
13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Dessert


1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00
2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00
3. artichoke pie $1.50
4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75
5. Iced ice $0.50
6. Glazed rocks $0.75
7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00
8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75
9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00
10. "Cow Pie" $2.00
11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50
12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2
13. "apple sauce" $1
14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?
15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000
16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50
17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box
18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box
19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50
20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)
21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)
22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)
23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Drinks


1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00
2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00
4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00
5. liquid lard $1.00
6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95
7. goat milk $1.00
8. watered down tea $1.00
9. Turkey Milk $1.00
10. A Pint of Blood $0.50
11. A Quart of Blood $1.00
12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50
13. Rat Milk $1.00
14. Snow Coco $1.00
15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)
16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound
17. A "booty" shake $6.66
18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.
19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick
20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)
21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00
22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie


<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>



Bob's Diner Status Report:

Bob's Diner Status Report

All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].

       

Year
04/05
05/06
06/07
07/08
08/09
09/10
10/11
11/12
12/13
13/14
14/15
15/16
16/17
17/18
18/19
19/20
20/21


Comments
9709
3870
3065
5676
4309
2879
5259
1697
0984
0756
0394
0177
0384
1677
0471
0285
0118


Average
26.6 cpd
10.6 cpd
08.4 cpd
15.5 cpd
11.8 cpd
07.9 cpd
14.4 cpd
04.7 cpd
02.7 cpd
02.1 cpd
01.1 cpd
00.5 cpd
01.1 cpd
04.6 cpd
01.3 cpd
00.8 cpd
00.3 cpd



Total Comments
09709
13579
16644
22320
26666
29545
34804
36501
37484
38240
38634
38839
39223
40900
41371
41656
41774



Total Average
26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy
08.0 cpd/2921 cpy
07.6 cpd/2758 cpy
07.1 cpd/2604 cpy
06.7 cpd/2457 cpy


Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report


Since The End of the Last Friscal Year


Since B's D's Founding


Friscal Reports:
Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.



   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.



   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.



   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.



   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.



   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.



   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.



   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)


This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)





Previous B's D



By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.

Username (or number or email):

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2020-08-26 [Mortified Penguin]: The Pentagon doesn't actually exist, so Misty is clean on that one.

2020-08-27 [Sheamus Finn]: Was Misty the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll?

2020-08-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Second and third.

2020-08-27 [Nuktae-tal]: I can verify that as well.

2020-08-28 [Alexi Ice]: Comment

2020-08-30 [Mortified Penguin]: It was allegedly that crow's birthday on Friday. In celebration, I'm going to go smoke copious amounts of crack in the back office and prepare friscal data.

2020-08-31 [Yuriona]: Only copious amounts? You're cutting back this year.

2020-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: THE FRISCAL YEAR IS OVER.

2020-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: THE FRISCAL YEAR IS OVER.

2020-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Dammit, Elftown. Get your shit together.

2020-09-01 [Nuktae-tal]: Happy new fiscal year!!

2020-09-02 [Pied Crow]: Happy new year!

2020-09-02 [Pied Crow]: Was on Friday? But, it didn't happen yet.

2020-09-02 [Mortified Penguin]: TOO BAD, I ALREADY SMOKED THE CRACK.

2020-09-03 [Sunrose]: As always..

2020-09-04 [Paul Doyle]: If you're going to San FranFriscal
Be sure to wear Bob's Diner in your hair
If you're going to San FranFriscal
You're gonna meet some fucked up people there . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bch1_Ep5M1s

2020-09-22 [Pied Crow]: Uhh, l updated the countdowns and fixed that 'hide' tag not working. I think l got it right.

2020-09-23 [Yuriona]: Its definitely working better than it was. *nods sagely*

2020-09-24 [Paul Doyle]: The wonders of modern technology never cease to amaze :p

2020-10-04 Misty of Mystic Falls: Greetings peasants, the queen has come to grace you with her presence!

2020-10-04 Misty of Mystic Falls: Greetings peasants, the queen has come to grace you with her presence!

<img:https://i.pinimg.com/originals/39/f8/d7/39f8d737f866787f8babf2861c957376.jpg>

2020-10-05 [Nuktae-tal]: Sup!

2020-10-05 [Pied Crow]: The Misty? The Mystic? The Legend?!

2020-10-05 [Yuriona]: Is it the real Misty or just another misty-wanna-be?

2020-10-06 [Nuktae-tal]: Wanna be! I bet my last toenail on it!

2020-10-09 [Mortified Penguin]: MISTY?! *unsheathes his harpoon*

Hey, buddy, I'll sell ya this sweet harpoon for fifty bucks. It's sharp enough to ritually slaughter over 500 cats.

2020-10-27 [Mackenzie]: That's a pretty good deal for such a sharp harpoon. What's the catch?

2020-10-27 [Yuriona]: It will only ritually slaughter over 500 cats.

2020-10-27 [Pied Crow]: The cats are the catch.

2020-10-28 [Paul Doyle]: If the cats are the catch, then who is the Catcher . . . ? *Holden Caulfield from "The Catcher In the Rye" walks in looking surly and 1940s-rebellious* 

2020-10-29 [Mortified Penguin]: PHONY! YOU'RE NOT REAL CAULIFLOWER! *hurls Holden into the casserole cauldron*

2020-10-30 [Paul Doyle]: *golf clap*

2020-10-31 [Pied Crow]: *crow clap*

2020-10-31 [Yuriona]: thunder clap?

2020-11-01 [Paul Doyle]: butt clap?

2020-11-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Gonorrhea.

2020-11-02 [Sheamus Finn]: Herpes!

2020-11-02 [Pied Crow]: Harpies?!

2020-11-02 [Paul Doyle]: -5 Harpsichord of Herpes?

2020-11-03 [Sheamus Finn]: +2 tuba of chlamydia

2020-11-03 [Nuktae-tal]: *waves directing baton*

2020-11-03 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1604383300.jpg>

2020-11-03 [Mortified Penguin]: JEB IS GONNA MAKE A COMEBACK TODAY.

2020-11-03 [Paul Doyle]: Tippecanoe and Tyler, too.

2020-11-08 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1604876513.jpg>

2020-11-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Betting odds lookin' pretty good if anyone wants to make a lot of money.

2020-11-12 [Mortified Penguin]: *counts the money in the register*

Yup, both units of money are still in here.

*closes register*

2020-11-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm... Someone hasn't updated the Status Report in two years...

2020-11-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Pretty sure that was Crow's responsibility...

2020-11-13 [Yuriona]: But you smoked the crack already.

2020-11-14 [Pied Crow]: Nuh-uh! I fixed the countdowns, remember?!
I mean, uh... That's not true, I fixed the countdowns last month, boss.

2020-11-15 [Paul Doyle]: Pepe's on skid row now, after losing that bet. And nobody cares.

2020-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: PEPE HASN'T LOST NOTHIN'. *angrily eats a frog leg*

2020-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: *the Frenchman cries in pain*

2020-12-14 [Mortified Penguin]: *recounts the money in the register*

2020-12-15 [Pied Crow]: *recounts the monkey in the register*

2020-12-16 [Paul Doyle]: *sends in Peter Gabriel to shock the monkey*

2020-12-19 [Pied Crow]: I wasn't intending this when telling that story! D:

2020-12-20 [Yuriona]: No one anticipates Peter Gabriel.

2020-12-20 [Sheamus Finn]: That poor monkey....

2020-12-20 [Paul Doyle]: Here's the kicker: after Peter Gabriel was done, Spinal Tap spanked the monkey.

2020-12-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Happy Honda Days!

2020-12-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Unless you celebrate Toyotathon, in which case GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ESTABLISHMENT!

2020-12-25 [Pied Crow]: Oh? I like Honda's SUVs better. Great curves.

2021-01-01 [Pied Crow]: Oh, it is now a new year, and not the friscal type.

2021-01-02 [Paul Doyle]: It may be 2021, but technology wise this place is still in 2001. And that's why we come here. <img500*0:stuff/aj/11046/My_God_It%27s_Filled_With_Bananas%21.jpg>

2021-01-02 [Yuriona]: <img:stuff/aj/15695/toronto_monolith_2020.jepg.jpg>
Toronto, Canada December 31, 2020 - The monkeys don't show up until the graffiti is added though.

2021-01-02 [Nuktae-tal]: Monoliths!

2021-01-03 [Paul Doyle]: Monoliths are like the 2020s answer to 1990s-era crop circles

2021-01-07 [Tekkon KinKreet]: *pops in* Here's my mandatory semi-semi-semi-semi annual check in. *pops back out*

2021-02-04 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1612407723.jpg>

2021-02-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *goes back to counting the contents of the register*

2021-02-04 [Yuriona]: *adds more contents to the register*

2021-02-04 [Paul Doyle]: *adds Monopoly money to the register for no particular reason*

2021-02-05 [Pied Crow]: *divides the cost of the refrigeration units by the contents of the register*

2021-02-06 [Paul Doyle]: Resultant fraction: Diddly/Squat

2021-02-07 [Sheamus Finn]: Diddly/Squat isn't that an exercise done by Ned Flanders from the Simpsons?

2021-02-07 [Tekkon KinKreet]: only when things get squiggly

2021-02-07 [Sheamus Finn]: squiggly & wiggly/giggly Quigley

2021-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: *it turns out the register was actually a microwave this whole time*

*and the microwave was a register*

*customers have been receiving uncooked burritos for years*

*their change was thoroughly cooked though*

*but I never gave them any change*

*because there was never any customers*

*only burritos*

2021-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: *bites into a screaming burrito in a business suit*

2021-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: *goes back to counting the contents of the microwave*

2021-02-11 [Paul Doyle]: Well, maybe they came back for more business because the uncooked burritos screamed undigested through their bowels, and afterward the customers were really hungry again and wanted more burritos?

2021-02-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Some cat is yelling at me about [Yuriona] having some kind of birthday. But I suspect it's just some sort of insurance scam.

2021-02-13 [Yuriona]: It could be. Cats are very shady characters. Just the other day one tried to sell me a half-gnawed rat tail.

2021-02-13 [Pied Crow]: A rat tail? OOHH!! It stinks. Throw it over... No! Don't do that!! The TAIL of a rat proves your courage!

2021-02-13 [Mortified Penguin]: How much was he trying to charge? I can get you high quality, half-gnawed rat tails for only $15.99 each. Homegrown and personally gnawed.

2021-02-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Got a whole trunk full of 'em.

2021-02-14 [Yuriona]: Do they come with a certificate of authentication? I want to be sure they're personally gnawed.

2021-02-15 [Mortified Penguin]: They come with relish. Take it or leave it, I have a ton of people lining up to buy my entire stock. *points at a sobbing family chained to the radiator*

2021-02-15 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats a bowl of ramen one noodle at a time*

*finds a macaroni noodle*

*becomes reasonably enraged and stabs Misty with some sort of stabbing instrument*

2021-02-15 [Yuriona]: *replaces ramen noodles with relish covered rat tails*

2021-02-18 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1613683214.png>

2021-03-10 [Sideways]: A lone , weary traveler arrives to a decrepit, rundown diner. He opens the creaking door, squints in the dim light that shines through unpatched holes in the roof. “Hello...?” Than man calls out, then turns, shocked to find this is not an abandoned building. Bob is there, silently greeting the man with only a brick

2021-03-10 [Sideways]: <img:stuff/aj/181888/1615342193.png>

2021-03-11 [Pied Crow]: Is that any way to treat a customer? or is that not a customer?

2021-03-11 [Yuriona]: That brick is literate? Wow, all this time I thought it was just a door stop with delusions of grandeur.

2021-03-11 [Nuktae-tal]: That doorstop has a name! Wow! Been here for years and no one even know's Doorstop's name.

2021-03-11 [Yuriona]: I thought you knew!

2021-03-11 [Nuktae-tal]: me?! I don't even go here! I'm from the other university!

2021-03-12 [Sheamus Finn]: I go to That-One tech school

2021-04-09 [Mortified Penguin]: *slowly peels his own skin*

2021-04-10 [Yuriona]: *starts heating up big steel pot of cooking oil*

2021-04-12 [Mortified Penguin]: *also peels Rich Evans' skin, since the recipe calls for potatoes*

Wait, does it call for potatoes...?

*quickly thumbs through a worn copy of The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion*

Ah, yes. Yes it does. *goes back to peeling*

2021-04-12 [Yuriona]: Does it say which spice we use for those? I have "All Spice" and "Old Spice".

2021-04-12 [Pied Crow]: Can my dish come with a potato substitute? I've lost my taste for potatoes.

2021-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: But what about sweet potatoes?

2021-04-23 [Yuriona]: And couch potatoes?

2021-04-24 [Paul Doyle]: *passes on the ear canal potatoes, just yuck*

2021-04-24 [Pied Crow]: Sweet potatoes taste great, but they're way too sweet, so that taste dissipates quickly...

Irish potatoes on the other hand...! Whahh, delicious!! But, l don't think they'd go well with this recipe.

2021-05-02 [Alendre]: All potat is good potat

2021-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats a fistful of ramen*

2021-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, that addition to the page should cover me legally when I steal all your dumb comments and make money off them. You dumb bastards. You're all so dumb and I'm so smart. I'm gonna make MILLIONS and/or HUNDREDS and NOBODY CAN STOP ME.

2021-05-07 [Pied Crow]: You're so out with the times... Don't you know today's all about cryptocucking the environment with diet stocks?

2021-05-07 [Pied Crow]: Wait a minute, that sucks... Nevermind, let's go make a screenplay where some weirdo bird forces himself into the group because he saw some sergal pictures.

2021-05-09 [Sideways]: <img389*0:stuff/aj/181888/1620546121.jpg>

2021-05-09 [Mortified Penguin]: Big Bird always did have a thing for sergals.

2021-05-10 [Pied Crow]: Oh. I never knew! I meant the other bird, though.

2021-05-24 [Mortified Penguin]: Who, Medium Bird?! I don't think he even has any fetishes. Not even Extreme Horse Scat.

2021-05-24 [Yuriona]: Wasn't it Tweety Bird? That guy always was an adrenaline junky.

2021-05-25 [Pied Crow]: No, no, no! I meant Chickadee-y the Chickadee!

2021-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: *grills some pancakes*

2021-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1624776048.jpg>

2021-07-11 [Pied Crow]: Do l have to be the one to point out those are not pancakes?

2021-07-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *sips from a flask of Canola oil*

2021-07-30 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU'RE NOT A PANCAKE. *points accusingly at a stack of pancakes and goes back to chugging his Granola oil*

2021-08-01 [Sheamus Finn]: Oh for the love of flapjacks.....

2021-08-17 [Pied Crow]: I had a sports bar burger dipped in honey-onion syrup that tasted like diner french toast dipped in maple syrup. Does that count?

2021-09-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *stirs the soup with malicious intent*

2021-09-25 [Pied Crow]: What are you doing with that brain, Mort-bird?

2021-10-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Stirring soup. With malicious intent.

2021-10-11 [Mortified Penguin]: <img450*0:stuff/aj/92105/1633990433.jpg>

2021-10-12 [Pied Crow]: Hey, but didn't you ask me what my three-letter agency was? Hm, was that you trying to connect? O:

2021-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU'RE WITH PBS, AREN'T YOU?!

2021-10-16 [Pied Crow]: Some might say I'm the FPS.

2021-11-08 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats ramen with a spoon*

2021-11-10 [Pied Crow]: It's okay, I keep eating pasta with a fork even though it means l have to eat one noodle at a time.

2021-11-11 [Alendre]: Ramen with spoon is okay

2021-11-28 [Coffeecontrolsme]: Potato Scauns for the win!

2021-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]: *goes back to maliciously stirring the soup and never making a clever or original joke again*

2021-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]: WAIT, THIS ISN'T THE SOUP CAULDRON. THIS IS A TOILET.

*moves over to the next stall and resumes stirring in a different toilet*

2021-12-20 [Pied Crow]: Ha ha, well, you know what they say; you can't beat the classics.

2021-12-21 [Mortified Penguin]: That's not what they said at all. They were shouting in Korean.

2021-12-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Hold on, I speak Asian. I'll handle this.

*bangs the shit out of a gong for 25 minutes*

*the Koreans bow politely, hand Mort a fifty dollar bill each, and leave without incident*

2021-12-23 [Yuriona]: That is impressive. *pokes the battered cookie sheet* I always thought this gong was a bedpan.

2021-12-23 [Mortified Penguin]: It is many things. *crushes a passing rat with the cookie sheet/bedpan/gong/frisbee/croissant pan/Texas toast pan/biscuit pan/roof segment/other stuff or something/I don't know/where I'm going/with this/I logged on/to check/something else/I'm just going to/wander away now/without even/finishing thi

2021-12-27 [Sunrose]: *crickets*

2021-12-27 [Pied Crow]: Fifty dollars each is nice and all, but they're not comments. Those guys should've held a conversation!

2021-12-27 [Pied Crow]: Wait, what? Ahh! It's that [Sunrose] person! Quick, make fun of 'em!

2021-12-27 [Sunrose]: Yes, do itt!

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: [Sunrose] is just a myth [Hedda] made up to scare people.

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: *tosses crickets into the soup*

2021-12-28 [Sunrose]: I don't mind being a myth, but I wasn't that scary...I think...so that failed? :p

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Nobody ever accused Hedda of making successful things.

2021-12-28 [Sunrose]: Haha that's so harsh!

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: As Hedda's best friend, I have to be harsh with him sometimes. But as his aggressive stalker that ignores his restraining order, I have pics of him naked. Twenty bucks and I'll stop sending them to you.

2021-12-28 [Sunrose]: Wait, what? xD

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: You heard whatever I said! NOW STOP LOITERING AND ORDER SOMETHING, YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE. *points at the two cockroaches waiting patiently*

"Oh, don't mind us. Take your time, we haven't decided what we want to eat yet."

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: ...

2021-12-28 [Mortified Penguin]: *stomps the cockroaches*

2021-12-28 [Sunrose]: Shit I actually thought two people commented, but it's just you talking to yourself xP

2021-12-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: Doesn't sound like something he would do.

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, I agree with that guy. Who, might I add, is incredibly handsome.

2021-12-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: I ASKED YOU TO STOP SEXUALLY HARASSING ME. AND STOP SENDING PICTURES OF NAKED SWEDISH MEN.

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: PAY THE TWENTY DOLLARS.

2021-12-29 [Sheamus Finn]: Do you take Venmo or Paypal?

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: No. Only checks.

2021-12-29 [Sunrose]: Wait, Saga hadn't logged in for ages. Did you harass him to get on here or did you hack him too, Mort? :P

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Truth is, there was never a Sagacious Turkey or a Mortified Penguin. I'm just a spam bot some guy in India made that has gotten way out of hand.

2021-12-29 [Sunrose]: I thought you were Mexican o.O

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Me?! A Mexican?! *throws his Sombrero to the floor in a fit of rage*

*angrily puts on a second Sombrero from the Sombrero pile in the corner*

2021-12-29 [Sunrose]: *throws clogs at you*

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm... I need to find where [Nuktae-tal] wandered off to and threaten them...

2021-12-29 [Sunrose]: She gonna help you under the threat of sombrero throwing? :P

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: I was just gonna use a gun.

2021-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats ramen... with CORN*

2021-12-30 [Sunrose]: Is that something special? Ramen with corn? :p

2021-12-31 [Sheamus Finn]: That's not Ramen....that's Ramon....(dramatic music plays)

2022-01-01 [Mortified Penguin]: It's not corn, either. It was just bits of styrofoam. :(

2022-01-01 [Sunrose]: Ewww why would you eat that? :/

2022-01-02 [Kaine W.]: Do love me some bits o' styrofoam!

2022-01-03 [Sunrose]: That explains a lot x)

2022-01-05 [Mortified Penguin]: *angrily smashes a glass bottle and brandishes it threateningly at [Kaine W.]*

LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU MADE ME BREAK MY SECOND FAVORITE GLASS BOTTLE.

2022-01-08 [Pied Crow]: Oops. Is this what happens when I think, "I'll check Bob's Diner tomorrow," for a week and a half?

2022-01-09 [Sunrose]: Why, what happened?!

2022-01-09 [Sheamus Finn]: Different day, same SHENANIGANS!!

2022-01-10 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure it's the same day and different shenanigans. My old shenanigans got dull, so I've gotten really into insurance fraud lately.

2022-01-10 [Sunrose]: Still dull :P

2022-01-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Life insurance fraud. I've faked my own death seven times in the last three months. But I fear they are beginning to get suspicious. Especially since I keep showing up to get the checks in person, wearing my "I Love Insurance Fraud" shirt. And it probably doesn't help that I keep wearing my, "I'm Not Dead, This Is A Scam" hat. And it's certainly probably not helping things when I pull up in the Ferrari I bought with the payouts with a license plate that says, "SCAMMER" and a bumper sticker that says, "My Name Is Mort And I Love Committing Insurance Fraud, Specifically Life Insurance Fraud, Which I Have Done At Least Eight Times In The Past Three Months (I'm hoping to succeed another time this month)."

2022-01-14 [Yuriona]: Some people just aren't able to take a hint.

2022-01-17 [Darth Jacein]: It's me, I'm some people

2022-01-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Oh boy, do I have a pyramid scheme for you! *starts pulling some poorly painted Pyramid of Giza models out of a dirty sack*

Buy these fuckin' poorly painted Pyramid of Giza models. Or I'll shoot you. With bullets.

2022-01-19 [Darth Jacein]: Okay, hard bargain friend.

But I like the cut of your jib.

So instead , I'll trade you the jib for...let's say..three copper pieces

2022-01-19 [Sheamus Finn]: Don't do it....Accept nothing less than four farthings...

2022-01-19 [Darth Jacein]: You stay outta this Finn, this doesn't concern ye none

2022-01-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Assuming 'jib' is slang for 'poorly painted pyramid models' and 'three copper pieces' is slang for 'like twenty bucks, I don't know, these pyramids are full of wasps and one of them is a goddamn cube. A CUBE. How did that even happen?!' then maybe. I'll think about it. I would honestly just prefer three copper pieces.

2022-01-19 [Darth Jacein]: Twenty bucks?!?!

Too rich for my blood. I'm out.

2022-01-19 [Mortified Penguin]: I'll throw in these bullets for free!

2022-01-19 [Darth Jacein]: How literal is the term throw here

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